She, Who Thinks Too Much

So, I'm thinking the other day - some would say: Don't go into that bad neighborhood or First Thought Wrong.

And yet, I am tempted to keep thinking. It goes something like this:

Life on Earth. My life on Earth. I am born. I live. Along the way, decisions. Shall I go this direction, or that? What will happen if I had headed for the job in Ft. Wayne, Ind. vs. heading toward Cleveland? Some 27 years later, I find myself thinking about this. Like I said, somewhat dangerous territory, that thinking....Still I press on, noodling this one out.

Chances are, I would have met and married someone - as I did in Northeast, OH. Chances are, we would have had children (as I did here, in Northeast, OH - three to be exact). The reality is those children would be totally different than the ones I had - certain sperm also being very different and the collision of that other sperm and my egg would produce totally different offspring.
Kevin, Patrick and Colleen would not exist.

Instead, some other beings would populate this earth. Even now, the thought of not having what I call "my children" makes me mourn the fact that for many odd twists and turns and decisions - every single one - they would not have joined me on this earth. Never to exist. They are here for the quirkiest of reasons, most finally, that on a particular second, on a particular day, a particular sperm united with one of my eggs and - voila! - a person begins. Three, in fact. Each known to me in very special ways: with seemingly innate personalities, those forged by genetics and environment, experiences and time. Mix all together and they grow into their own person. Themselves, though - like me - here for but a fleeting moment on Earth. Like us all.

Poised on the brink of a decision 27 years ago, had I moved Indiana way, totally different offspring would exist. "My" children would not exist and how possessive a thought that is, really, given the randomness of any of being here right now. Instead, "my" children are Buckeyes and not Hoosiers. And, who knows Indiana might have led to Montana, Novia Scotia, Poughkeepsie, New York. Perhaps even another continent. All this leads to many other unkowns and yet-to-be's.

And so I think...how bizarre and odd that these children have come to me at this particular moment in time. Even now, I mourn how random it is they are here right now. For if,  if one second was altered - they might not. This thought scares me. I plummet into the inky depths of fate vs. free will. A pre-ordained plot that began eons ago and trails into some unknown. The ramifications of this quirky thought generates a whole new NOW. Of course, were that the case, I also would not exist to ponder these odd, yet intriguing, thoughts. Would someone else? Does it matter my words - these words - exist now (hold your comments for later, please).

And, for the other children who are not? Perhaps, not so curiously, they are phantoms only. And yet....had they been, they too would have completely unique personalities - once-in-a-lifetime snowflakes - each unique, forever. None ever to be replicated. Just like "my" children now. Each their own self. Uniquely. Snowflakes all.

I would not trade this life, "my" children for others. And, yet, sometimes, I find myself thinking....what if?

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